I've been absent a long time. And, the truth is, I lost myself.
Over the summer, I resigned from my job as a paraprofessional and decided to pursue freelance writing full-time. Between the chronic pain that I suffer and current health issues I am experiencing, having a daily job that required me to function at full capacity for hours at a time just felt overwhelming.
I mean, when there are days that you cannot stand up straight, walking a classroom seems impossible. When there are times that my cramps leave me bedridden and crying, facing the public is terrifying. My weaknesses had limited me for so long, so I decided to focus on my strength - my brain.
I started freelancing around March. I fell into a job with a friend that ran a food blog, and I began helping her maximize her website. It was amazing. I was writing and getting paid for it. After 34 years, I was finally getting to write. I didn’t care if it was just about food. I love food, anyway.
But I ended up being really, really good at it.
Writing has always been my first love. Words never failed me - only people did. So, I began to look for more freelancing jobs. I was very successful, landing some steady jobs pretty quickly. The best part of freelancing was that I could do it from home. I could take my time and manage it around my pain and health issues instead of managing my pain and health issues around my job.
Then, THAT job happened. A company approached me with an amazing opportunity. I could write about many different niches, gain valuable experience, participate in topic ideation, and make lots and lots of money. THAT job promised the world, and I fell for it.
I jumped in head first. I gave my daily word limitations. But my boss saw how amazing my articles were and he pushed for me to take on more daily words. He wooed me with promises of management and told me how he could see leadership potential in me. And I continued to fall for it.
Within days, I was writing for 10 to 12 hours a day - barely sleeping. I couldn’t do housework or play with my kids. I justified all of this because I was making amazing money. I was suddenly sucked into a job that required me to stop writing for all other people and companies that I was writing for. I was sucked into a job that required me to give more of myself than even existed. My pain was getting worse. My anxiety was through the roof.
But I had fallen back into the mentality that success meant constant work and a huge paycheck.
Then, it happened. I hadn’t had a day off in three weeks. I had been looking at a computer screen for over 10 hours a day every single day. My eyes completely gave out. My head crumbled into a migraine. I couldn’t even look at my computer screen. My fiance and I tried to make my computer screen dark enough for me to still work on - but even the darkest light was killing my head.
I let my boss know that I couldn’t work that day. I told him I was experiencing eye strain and the resulting migraine and that my head just needed a break. I took the rest of the day off the rest.
The next morning, I logged on to work my ass off to make up what I had missed and start working on that day’s assignments. But there was nothing there. All of my week’s assignments had been removed. I messaged my boss and was told that I was no longer employed by them. I was told that I had horrible work ethic and would never be successful as a freelancer because I couldn’t even handle the work. I was told a myriad of insulting things.
And I was fired.
It took all weekend for me to stop feeling like an absolute failure. It took the entire weekend for me to convince myself that he wasn’t right about me. But by Monday, I was determined to prove him wrong.
I reached out to the people I wrote for before, and they enthusiastically took me back - saying great writers were hard to find and they would always want me. Within a couple of days, I had my groove back, writing at my own pace and getting even more job offers. I was happy again.
That’s where I’ve been. I was just busy losing myself.
But I found me again.
I’ve shared this with you to tell you this:
No job is worth losing your happiness for. Success is not measured by money or hours put into a job. Your kids won’t remember the things you bought them; they will remember how their parents kept telling them they didn’t have time to play. Success is happiness. Success is maintaining loving relationships and focusing on your own mental and physical well-being.
I’m back to my old self now. I can enjoy just sitting and watching cartoons with my daughter and having political debates with my son. I can be the involved mother that I’ve always been while still making money and contributing financially.
And it feels so good.